You and I

I felt like a failure in almost all aspects of my life.

And I hated it because God didn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve a child He has loved and blessed so much to be a failure as a daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, leader and person. I couldn’t face Him.

It was the week I cried the most- to myself, to my closest friends, to random people who were just there at that moment of a heartbreak. I was crying silently inside, while waking up in the morning. Everything that was important to me, I can no longer grasp and hold close because I knew they don’t deserve me.

I fought. I wanted to change and do so much better in my roles and my responsibilities. I tried to forgive, to be open, to be patient. I tried to love more. And the more and more I tried, the more I was failing. People were at my face telling me I’m wrong. I’m not enough. This caused me to stay away from God. “I can’t face you yet,” I told Him. “I will. Once I fix myself. I want you to see me only when I’m better. Only when I at least, even a little, I deserve to be your child.”

The days that passed were still as heartbreaking as ever. I was talking with someone with tears streaming down my face and I told her I’m so ashamed of myself and I keep running away from Him because I’m not worthy of His love.

“My best won’t ever be enough, all the more that it breaks my heart because all I can give Him is my worst.”

“Do you think He demands anything from you at all? Allow God to be God to you.”

Allow God to be God. That struck me. I stayed away from Him too much and I was too fixated on fixing myself that I never really knew what He was feeling or saying about all of this. I remember Inigo telling me, that in a relationship, you have to always talk together, or laugh at eachother, or even be angry at eachother. Scream or fight at each other if you must.

I felt I was being stripped naked little by little because of my failures. I didn’t want Him to see me like that. I didn’t want Him to see me with my bruises, my wounds, my broken heart. I realized it was pride that was making me run away from Him. I was ashamed of myself, but little by little, my heart was telling me, or maybe it was Him whispering, that even though I’m so dirty, so filthy, so naked, if I only allow Him to be who He is and not the God I thought would not accept me or be proud of me, He would pick me up, dress me, and just love me more. He’ll just love me until all the shame and failures disappear.

I started praying again after such a long time. I started opening my eyes to His love forever present, forever extravagant.

God doesn’t expect anything from us. At all. It’s true when He said that He loved us first. After that, whatever we do, wouldn’t matter anymore cause His love came first. Allow God to be God. Allow Him to just love you.

We’ve been shopping and He bought me a very beautiful dress, just so you know. And right now, I feel beautiful as ever. 

Roxy Navarro